I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
