ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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