I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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