My friends, they love my intelligence
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
