in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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