I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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