The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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