chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Randomize
