I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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