I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
