i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
