the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
