My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
