I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
