i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
