Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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