I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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