you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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