Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I want to fling myself into the sun
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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