Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
no, he came in my armpit
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
