sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Never let your siblings swipe right.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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