Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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