So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
