Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
