I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Can you bring me the toilet please
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
