please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
