Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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