Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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