I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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