her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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