I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
