I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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