i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
