the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Im part way to drunk.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
