we made out on top of his cat.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
