First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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