I CAN MOONWALK!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
