I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
