I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
