Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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