We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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