You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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