dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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