he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize