how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
