Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
