He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
