she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
