I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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