I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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