Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
