I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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